Margie Dana

Who's on First?

Surely you remember that famous 1940 comedy skit, "Who's on First?"*, by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, about a fictitious baseball team called the St. Louis Wolves?

I felt like I was caught in the middle of such a conversation - just substitute printing for baseball - when my phone rang a week ago and a stranger from New Jersey (watch it. . .I'm from NJ and proudly so) asked for my help.

The following is a record of that conversation.

• "Hi, someone told me you're the person who can help me with this. I need to find a printer."

  Thanks - I'll try. What are you doing?

• "A small order of invitations, but I want them to be really nice. Great paper, nothing schlocky."

  OK. Small, one-time orders like this usually don't excite commercial printers. Have you tried a good stationer? You know what I mean. Take a look through one of those huge binders of all kinds of invitations. Lots of options there.

• "Oh, they're horrible! I want something really special."

  Hmmm. . .how many invitations are you printing?

• "150."

  That may be a problem. It's a pretty small order for a commercial printer. Have you spoken with anyone yet?

• "Yes, a local printer. They quoted me $600! Can you believe it? Can't I get it any cheaper?"

  I can't really tell you that, but $600 for 150 simple invitations does sound high. Describe them to me.

• "Well, there are 150 fold-over invitations. Plus RSVP cards. And matching envelopes for both, of course."

  Oh, NOW I get the picture. This is a multiple-piece job.

• "Yes. And I want raised lettering, of course, on all of the pieces."

  So you want to use thermography - or engraving - everywhere. That'll cost you more than flat printing, you know. It's a specialty that most printers don't offer - but they outsource it if they don't do it themselves.

• "Oh, really? Who else in NJ does this type of printing?"

  Well, it's impossible for me to know that. I can get you to a web site for the biggest trade association in the US. Go to www.gain.net and let's look up the affiliate serving NJ. . .here it is, it's in NY.

• "Hey, here are a few that say they do stationery. . .should I call them?"

  It's up to you. It's awfully random. Just about every printer does stationery, but your job is really small and one-time only. That's the issue.

• "Ok. So are all the printers in NJ listed here?"

  No, only the ones that paid to join. There's no complete listing of all printers in NJ. Or anywhere else for that matter. The industry keeps changing, you know. Every day.

• "And I want to buy my own paper. Where can I do that?"

  (silent groan) Why?

• "The printer who quoted me says he will use the paper he has in stock. I want nicer paper."

  "That doesn't make sense. Printers typically work with customers to get the paper that you want, even if it costs a lot more, and they should tell you that up front.

• "So where can I buy my own paper?"

  Don't. I don't recommend it. Paper for commercial presses comes sized specifically for the job and for the press. And it comes in cartons - BIG cartons. You need a lot of knowledge to buy paper for a printer. Even I wouldn't do it.

• "Let me call some of these other printers and talk to them. You've been great! Can I call you back if I need to?"

  Um, if you need to, sure. Good luck.

It was quite a conversation. The funny part is, it wasn't unique. I've had similar ones before. Printers must go through this all the time.

The growth in the popularity of DIY (Do-It-Yourself) greeting cards, brochures, and invitations on at-home computers has created an enormous misconception of what real Printing is. It's too bad Printers can't include this notice on commercially printed samples:

"Warning: don't try this at home. When the urge strikes to print your daughter's wedding invitations, your new business cards, or a corporate brochure for your new company, back away from your PC. Seek professional help."

*Hear "Who's on First?" for yourself at this link: www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhoOnFirst.html

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